How to Write an Obituary, Eulogy, and Funeral Program: A Gentle Guide

The weight of memory and the need for words settle on you after a death. I am here to help you carry that weight with care.

This guide offers my experience to support you through three heartfelt tasks: writing an obituary that announces and honors, crafting a eulogy that speaks from the heart, and preparing a funeral program that guides and comforts.

Key Takeaways: Gentle Guidance for This Important Work

Before we begin, I want to share a few gentle thoughts with you. This work can feel heavy. It is a weight of love. Please hold these ideas close as you move through the steps ahead.

• This guide will walk you through each task with clear steps and kind reminders. Think of it as a quiet companion, not a rigid rulebook.
• There is no single right way. Your sincere effort, however imperfect it may feel, is what matters most. A simple, honest sentence carries more weight than a paragraph of perfect, empty words.
• You are not doing this alone. Gather stories from others. Ask a friend to help you write or to listen as you practice a eulogy. When the words blur, take a break. Make a cup of tea. Look out the window. This is not a race.
• These materials serve different purposes. An obituary informs the community. A eulogy honors the person from the heart. A funeral program guides people through the service. Knowing this can help you focus your energy for each one.

Your love and intention are the true foundation of every word you will write.

Understanding the Difference: Obituary, Eulogy, and Funeral Program

It is common to feel unsure about where to start. The words themselves can seem formal and intimidating. Let us clarify what each one is, in plain terms. Knowing their unique roles will make the writing process much clearer.

An obituary is a public notice. It is a published announcement of a death, often placed in a newspaper or online. Its main job is to inform people of the passing and to share the details of the upcoming service. It is a factual record that also paints a brief, respectful portrait of a life.

A eulogy is a personal speech. It is delivered aloud during a funeral or memorial service by a family member or close friend. Its purpose is not to list facts, but to honor and remember the person’s character, stories, and impact. It comes from the heart and speaks directly to the hearts of those gathered.

A funeral program is a printed guide. It is a leaflet or pamphlet given to attendees at the service. It lists the order of events, the names of participants, and often includes a short biography, photographs, or meaningful poems. It helps people follow along and serves as a keepsake.

How They Compare: A Quick Reference

This table shows how these three elements work side by side.

Feature	Obituary	Eulogy	Funeral Program
Primary Purpose	To inform the public of the death and service details.	To personally honor and remember the person’s life.	To guide attendees through the service.
Audience	The broader community, acquaintances, distant family.	The intimate circle of mourners at the service.	The people physically attending the service.
Tone & Style	Respectful, factual, narrative. Written for reading.	Personal, emotional, conversational. Written for speaking.	Formal, instructive, commemorative. A blend of information and tribute.
Key Content	Announcement of death, biographical highlights, family list, service time/place.	Personal stories, cherished qualities, memories, gratitude.	Order of service, participant names, lyrics, prayers, a photo, a short obituary.
Length	A few paragraphs to a full column, depending on publication.	Typically 3 to 7 minutes when spoken aloud.	Usually one folded sheet (2-4 pages).

You might still wonder, “What is the real difference between an obituary and a eulogy?” Think of it this way: the obituary tells the world that your loved one lived and died. The eulogy tells your family and friends how they lived and why they mattered. One is a public record. The other is a private conversation, held in a room full of people who loved them.

Together, they create layers of remembrance. The obituary casts a wide net, bringing the community to the door. The funeral program welcomes people in and provides a structure for the gathering. The eulogy gives that gathering its heart and soul. Each one supports the other, creating a complete act of remembrance that meets both practical and emotional needs.

How to Write a Meaningful Obituary

I have seen how gathering the simple facts first can give you a calm place to start when your mind feels scattered. Begin with a quiet moment and a notepad. Write down the full legal name of your loved one, the dates of their birth and death, and the cities where these events occurred. These are the anchors of the obituary. From there, you can decide on a voice that feels traditional, modern, or personal. This choice shapes how you write the obituary in the next steps.

The structure of an obituary is like a gentle story that follows a familiar path. It tells people what happened, who the person was, who they left behind, and how to say goodbye. Following a clear structure takes pressure off you, letting the words flow more easily when grief makes thinking difficult.

The opening announcement states the loss directly and kindly. You might write, “John Michael Smith, 78, of Portland, passed away peacefully on May 15, 2024.” Then, you write a biographical sketch. This is the heart of it. Think of their favorite smile, the sound of their laughter, or the work they were proud of. Describe their life, their passions, and their character. Mention a hobby, a career milestone, or a simple joy like gardening. This sketch does not need to be a full history. It needs to be true.

Listing family is an act of love and respect. List immediate survivors: spouse, children, grandchildren, and sometimes siblings. It is customary to list those who predeceased them as well, often with a phrase like, “He was preceded in death by his parents, Robert and Mary, and his brother, James.” Be sensitive with wording; phrases like “survived by” and “preceded in death by” are traditional and carry a gentle dignity. When listing step-family or partners, use language that reflects the closeness of the relationship, such as “cherished step-daughter” or “devoted companion.”

Writing an obituary for a child requires a different kind of tenderness. Focus on the beauty of their short life. Mention their favorite toy, the color they loved, or a happy memory from a family trip. You might say, “Her two years were filled with laughter and wonder.” For a veteran, it is a mark of honor to include their branch of service, rank, and any notable awards. This recognizes a significant part of their identity and service to country.

Many families find comfort in directing love toward a cause. To include charitable donation information, simply state it after the service details. A common line is, “In lieu of flowers, the family suggests memorial donations to the American Heart Association.” Provide the full name of the charity and, if you wish, a mailing address or website for donations.

Here is a basic template you can adapt. It holds your hand through the process.

• [Full Name], [Age], of [City, State], died on [Date] in [Location, if desired].
• Born on [Birth Date] in [Birth City], they were the [son/daughter] of [Parents’ Names].
• They worked for many years as a [Profession] and loved [Hobby or Interest]. They will be remembered for their [Character Trait, e.g., kindness or humor].
• They are survived by [List of Immediate Survivors]. They were preceded in death by [List of Predeceased].
• A funeral service will be held on [Date] at [Time] at [Location]. A visitation will precede the service from [Time] to [Time].
• Memorials may be made to [Charity Name and Details].

For a concise version, often used for newspaper postings where space costs money, focus on the essentials.

• [Full Name], [Age], of [City], died [Date]. Services [Date] at [Location]. Survived by [Key Family Members]. Predeceased by [Key Names]. Memorials to [Charity].

Please, proofread with care. Read the names and dates aloud. Ask another family member to read it slowly. A single misprinted date or misspelled name can cause deep hurt later, so this quiet review is a final act of love.

Submitting an obituary to a newspaper or online site involves a few steps. First, contact the newspaper’s obituary department directly or visit their website. They will have submission guidelines and a rate sheet. Costs are typically based on the number of lines or words, and a photo often costs extra. Online memorial websites usually have simpler forms and may be free or low-cost. Be prepared to provide payment information and, sometimes, a verification of death from the funeral home or a death certificate. For more detailed instructions, refer to this guide on publishing obituaries.

If there is no funeral home involved, you can still write and publish an obituary. You will need to gather the facts yourself and may need to verify the death directly with the newspaper, often by providing a copy of the death certificate. Many online platforms allow self-submission without third-party verification. The writing process remains the same; it is the logistical step of proof that changes. You become the author and the publisher, which is a weighty but honorable task. This often culminates in publishing a death notice or obituary for the community to see, whether in print or online. Local newspapers and obituary portals commonly host these notices, sometimes with links to related details for readers.

How to Write and Deliver a Heartfelt Eulogy

A eulogy is not a biography. It is a personal speech of tribute, a gift of remembrance offered from your heart to theirs. It is less about listing the dates and facts of a life and more about painting a portrait of a person’s spirit, using the colors of your shared memories.

For many years, I have sat with families as they prepared these words. The fear of getting it wrong is common. Please know this: your honest voice, shaky or strong, is what matters most. The aim is not perfect oratory, but a meaningful, memorable portrait that brings comfort to those who listen.

A Simple, Comforting Structure

Having a basic framework can steady your hand when you sit down to write. Think of it as a gentle path to follow.

• Opening: Begin by introducing yourself and your relationship to the person. You might share a simple, heartfelt statement about what they meant to you or to everyone gathered.
• Shared Memories: This is the centerpiece. Talk about a defining story, their passions, or how they made others feel. Choose moments that show their character.
• Character Stories: Weave in other anecdotes that highlight their humor, kindness, resilience, or unique quirks. These small stories often speak the loudest.
• Closing: Offer words of farewell. This could be a thank you, a hope, a line from a poem, or a quiet wish for peace. Speak directly to the person if it feels right.

This structure is a guide, not a cage; let your love for the person lead the way.

What to Include: The Heart of the Matter

When searching for the right words, look for the moments that made this person, them. I often suggest people close their eyes and ask: what image of them comes to mind first? That is usually where to start.

• A Defining Story: The tale told at every family gathering. The time they got lost on a road trip and found a better destination. The quiet afternoon that changed everything.
• Their Passions: What did they love? A garden, a favorite chair, a worn-out recipe book, the sound of a specific song. Describe it so others can see it, too.
• How They Made People Feel: This is perhaps the most important legacy. Were you safe with them? Inspired? Did they make you laugh until you cried? Tell us that.

On Length and Practice

A eulogy is typically between five and ten minutes when spoken aloud. That is roughly one to two typed pages. It feels short when you are writing, but it is a gracious length for those listening in grief. Understanding eulogy length ideal duration can guide what to include and how to pace it. In the next steps, you’ll find a concise guide to that ideal length.

Please, practice reading it aloud. Find a quiet room or a trusted friend. Your ears will catch tangled sentences your eyes will miss. You will find the natural rhythm of your words. This practice is not about memorization, but about making the words familiar, so they feel like a friend when you need them most.

Writing for Specific Relationships

The lens of your relationship will shape your words. Here is some gentle guidance for different connections.

For a Parent

Speak of the foundation they built. You might share lessons learned, not through grand lectures, but through their daily example. Talk about the smell of their kitchen, the sound of their voice, the things they saved for you in a drawer. Honor the ordinary, enduring love that shaped your world.

For a Friend

Celebrate the chosen family. Friends often know a different, perhaps more relaxed, version of a person. Share stories of adventures, inside jokes, and unwavering support. Speak to the loyalty and the laughter that defined your bond.

For a Spouse or Partner

This is a portrait of a shared life. You can speak of everyday intimacy-the shared glances, the quiet routines, the dreams you built together. It is okay to express the profound depth of your loss while also honoring the profound gift of the life you shared.

Incorporating Faith or Spirituality

If faith was a cornerstone for the person or for your family, it can be a deep source of comfort. You might include a brief prayer, a reading from scripture, or a hymn verse that was meaningful. The key is to let it flow naturally from your memories of them. If you are uncertain, a simple, universal hope for peace and rest is always appropriate.

Handling Complex Relationships with Grace

Life and love are not always simple. If the relationship was difficult, you can still speak with honesty and grace. Focus on the person you wish to honor, not on past conflicts. You might acknowledge complexity by saying something like, “Our relationship had its challenges, but I will always remember…” and then share a genuine positive memory or quality. Your task is to offer a tribute, not a full accounting; choose the memory that brings the most peace.

Practical Tips for the Day

When the moment comes to speak, your only job is to be present. The technical details are there to support you.

• Breathe: Take a slow, deep breath before you begin. It anchors you.
• Pace: Speak more slowly than you think you need to. Grief needs time to absorb words.
• Have a Copy: Print your eulogy in a large, clear font. Consider double-spacing the lines. Have a backup copy with someone you trust.
• Look Up: If you can, glance at the faces of other loved ones between sentences. You are sharing this with them, not performing for them.

If your voice breaks, pause. If a tear falls, let it. These are not mistakes. They are the truest parts of the tribute, a quiet testament to your love. We are here to remember a life, and your human emotion honors that life perfectly.

How to Create a Thoughtful Funeral Program

A funeral program serves two gentle purposes. It is a guide for those attending the service, helping them follow along. It is also a quiet keepsake, a tangible piece of the day that people can hold onto long after.

I have watched people hold these programs, their fingers tracing a photograph or a favorite line from a poem. It becomes more than paper. It becomes a small anchor.

The Common Sections of a Funeral Program

Most programs follow a familiar structure, which can be a comfort when making decisions feels hard. You do not need to use every section. Choose what feels right.

• The Cover: This usually features the person’s name, their dates of birth and death, and a photograph.
• Order of Service: This is the timeline of the service, listing what will happen and when.
• Biographical Note or Tribute: A short summary of the person’s life story, often drawn from the obituary.
• List of Participants: The names of those speaking, singing, or performing duties during the service.
• Acknowledgments: A space to thank those who provided care, support, or specific help.

Choosing a Cover Photograph

The cover photo sets the tone. Look for an image that captures their spirit, not just their face.

Formal portraits have their place. But sometimes, the best photo is the candid one. The one where they are laughing in the garden, holding a grandchild, or concentrating on a favorite hobby. Choose an image that makes you remember the sound of their voice or the warmth of their presence.

Common Funeral Program Templates

You can think of templates as starting points. They give you a shape to fill with your own words and memories.

• A Simple, Folded Program: A single sheet of paper folded in half. The cover is the front, the order of service and biography are inside, and acknowledgments are on the back. It is clean and direct.
• A Traditional, Booklet-Style Program: Several pages stapled together. This allows for more photographs, a longer biography, and space for several poems or readings. It feels more substantial.
• A Modern, Single-Page Design: One unfolded page, often with a striking visual layout. It feels contemporary and can be very graphic and beautiful.

Formatting the Order of Service Clearly

Clarity is kindness for your guests. They may be grieving, too, and a clear guide helps them participate.

List each part of the service in the sequence it will happen. You can use simple titles like “Musical Prelude,” “Opening Words,” “Remembrance by [Name],” “Hymn: [Title],” and “Closing Benediction.” If you include specific timings, keep them approximate, as the flow of emotion does not always follow a clock.

Including Poems, Readings, or Lyrics

Words written by others can often express what we struggle to say. A poem or a line from a favorite song can fill the space between the formal parts of the service.

You might include the full text of a piece like “A Beautiful Life” or “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” You could also print just the chorus of a beloved hymn or the lyrics to a rock song they always played in the car. These shared words create a moment of collective recognition and memory for everyone in the room.

Thanking Attendees and Acknowledging Support

This section is a quiet gesture of gratitude. It closes the loop.

Thank people for coming to honor a life. You can specifically acknowledge the kindness of caregivers, a hospice team, or a particular family friend. Keep it brief and sincere. A simple “The family wishes to express heartfelt thanks for your love and support” is often enough.

Proofreading and Printing Your Programs

When you are tired and sad, it is easy to miss things. Please, ask someone with a fresh eye to read everything.

Check the spelling of every name. Double-check the dates. Read the order of service out loud to see if it makes sense.

For printing, you have options. Many local print shops can turn a file into programs quickly. There are also online services that offer templates and printing. If you need just a few, a home printer on good-quality paper can be perfectly respectful.

Distributing Programs at the Service

The logistics are simple. Someone needs to be in charge of placing the stack of programs where people will see them as they arrive.

This is often done by a usher, a family friend, or the funeral director’s staff. A small table near the entrance to the chapel or gathering space is the most common and effective place. People will take one as they come in, finding their seat with this guide in hand.

Other Memorial Materials and Announcements

An obituary, a eulogy, and the funeral program are the main pillars of a service’s communication. But smaller items often carry the most personal weight. These quiet keepsakes can be held in a hand, placed in a Bible, or tucked in a drawer to be found years later. They offer a different kind of comfort, one that is private and tangible.

Common Memorial Keepsakes

You will likely encounter a few standard items. Each serves a distinct purpose, like different notes in a song of remembrance.

• Prayer Cards: These are small, often wallet-sized cards. They typically feature a religious image, a prayer, or a poem on one side. The other side holds the person’s name, dates of birth and death, and sometimes a short, beloved verse. Their purpose is to provide a portable token of faith and memory, something to keep close.
• Memorial Folders: This is usually a single, folded sheet of paper that functions as both a service program and a keepsake. The inside often lists the order of the funeral service. The cover might show a beautiful photograph, a meaningful quote, or the same information found on a prayer card. It serves as a formal record of the day and a photo to remember.
• Guest Books: More than just a list of names, a guest book is a record of love. It allows visitors to leave their signature, and often, a short message or memory for the family. In the quiet weeks after the service, these pages become a profound source of solace, showing the wide circle of a life well-lived.

What to Put on a Memorial Card or Bookmark

When creating a simple memorial card or bookmark, think of it as a small portrait in words. You do not need to write a biography. Aim for the essence of the person.

• The full name of your loved one.
• Their dates of birth and death.
• A short, meaningful quote. This could be a line from scripture, a snippet of a poem they loved, or a simple sentence like “Beloved mother and friend.”
• Perhaps a very small, favorite photograph.
• A date and location for the service, if it is also functioning as an announcement.

Keep the design clean and the words few; the power is in the feeling it evokes, not the amount of text. Imagine someone holding it years from now. What one thing would you want them to know?

Announcing a Death Personally

Before a public obituary is published, close family and friends should hear the news directly from you. A public notice can feel cold and shocking if they are not prepared. This task is heavy, but it is an act of protection and love. When you are ready, you can write and publish the obituary.

I often suggest making a list. Start with the very closest circle. If you cannot make all the calls, ask one or two trusted people to help you share the news within specific groups, like old friends or distant relatives.

When you call, you do not need to have all the details about the service. You simply need to say what happened. A direct, gentle approach is kindest. You might say, “I have some very sad news. My father, John, passed away peacefully last night. I wanted you to hear it from me.” Allow for silence. Let them react. You can end the call by promising to share service information once it is settled.

This personal touch, as hard as it is, honors the relationships in your loved one’s life and builds a supportive circle around you from the very first moment.

The Role of Thank-You Cards

After the service, you may feel pressure about thank-you cards. Please, be gentle with yourself. This tradition is not an obligation, but an extension of gratitude. There is no deadline.

If you choose to send them, they need not be long. A few sincere lines are enough. Acknowledge the specific kindness. “Thank you for the beautiful flowers. They brought so much color to the service,” or, “Your kind words about my mother meant the world to me.”

For those who traveled far or offered exceptional help, a personal note is fitting. For others who attended or sent a mass card, a printed card with a brief, handwritten signature is perfectly acceptable. People understand that you are grieving; they will cherish any acknowledgment, whenever it arrives. Do this task in small batches, when you have a moment of strength. It can even become a quiet ritual of remembrance.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

In the quiet urgency of loss, it is easy to stumble. These tasks, performed with love, can feel like one more weight. I have seen many families navigate this. Knowing where others have faltered can make your path a little smoother.

Rushing the process without gathering all necessary facts and spellings.

Grief makes the world feel both slow and hurried. There is a pressure to get things done, to make the announcements. But rushing leads to errors that are hard to correct later. A middle name is misspelled. A surviving sister’s married name is forgotten. Take a breath, and make a list of every detail you need before you write a single word. Sit with family, check birth certificates, and confirm spellings. This act of gathering is, in itself, a gentle form of remembrance.

Trying to be overly formal or perfect instead of sincere.

You might feel you need to use special, somber language. This can sometimes strip the warmth from your words. An obituary filled only with dates and formal phrases can feel distant. A eulogy that sounds like a resume misses the heart. Your genuine voice, even if it is simple or shaky, carries more meaning than any polished prose. Write as if you are speaking to a friend about someone you loved. That sincerity is what people will remember.

Forgetting to proofread multiple times, especially dates and family names.

Your eyes will be tired. Your mind will be elsewhere. This is when mistakes hide. Read what you have written aloud. Then, ask someone else-someone with clear eyes and a calm heart-to read it again. A single wrong date or a misspelled surname can cause deep, lasting pain. Check, and then check once more. It is a final act of care for the person you are honoring and for the family who will read it.

Overlooking the cost and deadlines for newspaper obituaries.

This is a practical matter that often comes as a surprise. Newspaper notices are typically paid for by the line or word, and they have strict deadlines for print. Calling the newspaper’s classified department first can save you stress. Ask about their rates, word counts, and submission deadlines before you finish writing. This allows you to craft the tribute within the necessary boundaries, avoiding last-minute cuts or unexpected expenses.

Writing a eulogy that is too long for the emotional capacity of the speaker and listeners.

A eulogy is not a biography. It is a shared moment of memory, often under the heavy weight of fresh sorrow. Speaking for twenty minutes can be overwhelming for you and exhausting for those gathered. Aim for a focus that is narrow and deep, not broad and shallow. Five to ten minutes is often enough to share a clear, loving portrait. Choose two or three stories that truly show who they were. It is better to leave people wishing for a bit more than struggling to stay present.

Creating a funeral program that is confusing or missing key service information.

The program is a guide for the service and a keepsake for afterward. Think of it as a gentle usher for your guests. A missing hymn title, an out-of-order sequence, or unclear directions to the reception can add confusion to a difficult day. Use clear headings and list every part of the service in the order it will happen. Include full names, song titles, and any practical details like locations. A simple, clear program helps everyone participate and provides a comforting structure.

A Personal Note from a Funeral Director

I have sat with hundreds of families in quiet rooms, a blank piece of paper between us. I have handed a pen to a shaking hand, or opened a laptop for someone whose tears made the screen a blur. I want you to know, first, that I see the courage in this act. To gather your thoughts when your world has shattered, to choose words when silence feels safer, is a profound act of love. It requires a strength I have always deeply admired.

Grief has a way of emptying your mind. It can make the simplest sentence feel like a mountain to climb. If you stare at the page and nothing comes, please be gentle with yourself. That is not a failure. It is the honest weight of loss. I have watched brilliant people struggle to recall their own child’s birthday in that moment. It is okay. It is more than okay. Breathe. Have a cup of tea. Let the memory find its own time.

When it feels too heavy, try to see this writing not as a duty, but as a final gift. You are a keeper of the flame. You are preserving a voice, a story, a laugh that the world must not forget. An obituary is a public record of a life lived. A eulogy is a love letter spoken aloud. A program is a guide for others to honor alongside you. This is sacred work. You are building a small raft of words to carry your love, and the love of others, across these difficult waters.

The most beautiful tribute I ever heard was about a man whose greatest achievement was the way he whistled while making Saturday morning pancakes. Do not get trapped by the idea of a perfect, formal template. The magic is in what only you know. The specific cadence of their walk. The silly nickname they used. The way they always mispronounced that one word. Those details are the breath of life in your tribute. They are what make everyone in the room nod slowly, through their tears, and say, “Yes. That was them.” Your unique memories are the only material you truly need. Start there.

Gentle Answers to Common Questions

How do we thank attendees in a funeral program?

A simple, sincere statement of gratitude on the back page of the program is a kind gesture. You might write, “The family sincerely thanks you for your presence and support as we celebrate a life well-lived.”

How can I handle a difficult relationship when writing a eulogy?

Focus on honoring the person, not evaluating the relationship. You can acknowledge complexity by sharing a single, genuine positive memory or an admirable quality they possessed.

What makes for a good photograph on a funeral program cover?

Choose a photo that captures their true spirit, such as a candid moment of joy or engagement. A clear, high-quality image where their face is easily seen will be most comforting for attendees.

Parting Reflections on Memorial Writing

The most important guidance I can offer is to write from the heart, with clarity and kindness. Your honest words, focused on the person’s story and spirit, will create a tribute that truly honors their memory.

As you move forward, I urge you to consider dignified, eco-conscious choices in all matters of Funeral Care, Funeral Needs, and Funeral Questions. Continuing to learn about these aspects is a compassionate way to care for both the departed and the living.